Thailand: Koh Samui

I'm getting a fair bit behind on my blogging, so the following recollections may be somewhat or totally different from reality.

Old people ruin everything

Koh Samui is kinda a lot like the other developed islands of Thailand. There are many laws, which no-one follows:

But there is one main difference: OLD PEOPLE. There are many of these aged creatures roaming around Koh Samui. I blame these old people for the following three problems:

• Old people have money and aren't cheap like us backpackers. Therefore the price of everything in Koh Samui is higher than in the other islands.
• Old men still think speedos are in fashion. They are not. Especially if you're old.
• Old ladies where bikinis. They should not. And after seeing so many unbelievably hot girls in previous Thailand beaches, seeing a 60 year old lady in bikini hits home hard. It really hurts my eyes.

Not all Thai girls are prostitutes

So on arriving in Koh Samui, I immediately share a taxi to the hostel with German's Marvin and Marcus. Marcus decides to have a nap which lasts the entire night, whilst me and Marvin power through some Gilbeys Vodka, which is about half the price of the other Vodkas on sale, which means it is probably of questionable quality. It claims to be triple distilled, but I'm pretty sure someone just saw that written on a Smirnoff bottle and copied it, thinking it must be a good thing.

Anyway, me and Marvin decide to go out clubbing (as you do). Two Thai girls approach us, interested to meet us. We immediately and profusely accuse them of being prostitutes with violent shakes of the head and phrases such as: "We no cash", "We no want prostitutes". They are offended by our insinuation, and response with 'We do not want cash", "We are not prostitutes". Note firstly that the English was actually better than ours.

Despite their claims, we continue to disbelieve for quite some time. Eventually, me and Marvin have discussions, and after weighing up the evidence, come to the conclusion that these girls are in fact the 1% of Thai girls that aren't prostitutes. Anyway, this was a good decision, as they showed us all the best clubs to go to and even drove us back to the hostel. The drive back should have been about 10 minutes, but it was actually more like 2 hours, since we had no idea how to get back. No goods or services were exchanged, so I think we can safely conclude: Not all Thai girls are prostitutes.

Everybody hurts sometimes

After some more drinking adventures the next night, British Mike enthusiastically wakes me up early the next morning to go scootering around Koh Samui. As anyone that knows me knows, I'm not a morning person, so I'm not too pleased about this. But eventually, me, Mike, Marvin and Marcus head off on scooters. This was mostly an awesome day. We trekked a little up to a waterfall:

Then we rode to Chaweng beach for a swim:

(Pretend there is a picture of the beach here)

And then leaving the beach, Marcus crashed his scooter.. so off to hospital we go. We waited in the hospital for 3 or 4 hours while Marcus got his wounds bandaged. This turned out to be not so bad, as we got to watch an awesome Thai soap opera. It's like Neighbours, but instead of fighting with words, they fight with fists and guns. Once Marcus was fixed, we headed back to the hostel for a quiet night in.

The next day I was off to Koh Samui airport. It's such a cool airport. The departure gate is more like a big hut, and the toilets even have a fish tank inside:

Summary

Awesome:
Scootering, beaches, Thai soap operas

Craptacular:
Prices, old people

What's Next

Chiang Mai for some culture (with a dash of partying)

Thailand: Koh Phangan

Full moon party time!

How to travel a short distance in a long time

The trip from Patong to Koh Phangan is painful at best. 300km of land a little bit of sea takes 3 buses, 1 ferry and 13 hours. All because we never got around to booking a 1 hour flight. It pays to be organised kids.

Why use cups when you can use buckets

Koh Phangan is full of impossibly attractive alcoholics. The beaches and water are amazing here:

.. but this really is a place where people come to party… party hard and party late. They deal in buckets here. They make a bucket by free-pouring a ridiculous amount of alcohol into the bucket and then some kind of a mixer. It comes with convenient carry handle and straw. The result of these buckets is an obstacle course on the beach where you have to navigate over and around empty buckets, bottles and passed out drunks.

How to successfully navigate a full moon party

Step 1: Dress ridiculously

I think a picture will suffice:

Step 2: Eat a enormous meal

We head to Same Same bar and stuff our faces with all sorts of food from the buffet.

Step 3: Set sensible goals for the night

Glenn and I agree that we will pace ourselves drinking, stay under control and not lose each other. 

Step 4: Ignore sensible goals

A few Canadians we meet are only too happy to include us in their drinking game. Problem is, they’ve played this game before and we haven’t, so we lose all the time, and thus drink all the time. So, the ‘sensible drinking’ train barely gets out of the station before it derails. 

Step 5: Lose your friends

Before I know it I'm partying on the beach and Glenn is nowhere in sight.

Step 6: Party really freakin hard

We all know how this works... drinking, shouting, yelling, dancing, stupid conversations etc

Step 5: Miraculously rediscover your friends

Circa 6am I'm walking along the beach, and lo and behold I see the familiar sight of Glenn partying..

Step 6: See the sunrise

At about 6:30 or so the sun has risen. Looking around us, many of our comrades have fallen, but we are still standing, bleary eyed, looking at the sun. Win!

Summary

Awesome:

Best. Party. Ever

Craptacular:

Morning after

Lessons learnt:

There are other people that like aeroplanes too. Book flights earlier.

What's next

More island adventures in Koh Samui.

Thailand: Phuket

Part 1 of a few installments on Thailand..

Finding Nemo (or alternatively Glenn)

I arrive in Phuket on Thursday in good health after giving up alcohol for a couple days. Now I’ve done my research and when you get out of the airport you’re supposed to use the official taxi drivers, because they won’t try and scam you. So, like the genius I am, I walk past all the scammers to the official taxi stand and ask for a taxi. The guy tells me that it’s going to be a half hour wait.. screw that! So back to the scammers I go. Turned out fine.. they stop at a place along the way and a person walks up to the car and tries to sell you accommodation, tours etc. After reconfirming 10 or so times that I have already booked a hostel and every possible tour, they leave me alone and on to the hostel In Patong we go.

I arrive at those hostel and... OMG it's Glenn:

Naturally we immediately commence drinking. This sets the scene for the next 4 days in Patong. Bangla Rd is the source of all the discount debauchery one could ever want. Because drinking is so cheap here, even the poorest of backpackers can, and do, party each and every night. Like these guys:

Shopping Thai style

Shopping is fun here, because you can bargain them down 30-40% on most things. The sales process goes like this - They start with their price, then you offer them an unreasonably low price, just so they know you’re ready for battle. Finally both parties agree that they're being ridiculous and you end up meeting somewhere in the middle.

Massage?

Life in Patong involves constant harassment by Thais trying really hard to sell you anything that is sellable. Massage? Taxi? Suit?

The massage girls are particularly in your face and often hunt in groups of 5 or more. They will call out ‘Massage?’ in perfect synchronisation and god help you if you glance in their direction.. they will fire ‘Massage?’ at you like a machine gun and often physically get in your way, so you have to pretty much push them out of the way.

There is also a massive oversupply of taxis here. Most of them are tuk-tuks – little pickup trucks (utes) with benches in the back to sit on.

A bucks party in Thailand

On day 3, Glenn and I attended Maiko’s bucks party. Because Mum is probably reading this, there is nothing more I can say about this, other than: ‘What is seen cannot be unseen’.

Summary

Awesome:

Partying, beaches, prices

Craptacular:

'Massage? Massage? Massage?'.. no I don't want a f**king massage!

What's Next

Koh Phangan. Translation: full moon party mayhem

Singapore

This blog comes to you from the future, as I've been too busy (read intoxicated) in Thailand to write this until now.

Death eyes for Recliner Girl

Let’s start with the flight to Singapore and the chick in the seat in front of me becomes enemy number 1 of the trip. She has earnt this prestigious honour by yanking her seat back, resulting in my laptop getting awkwardly wedged. After plotting extravagant means of revenge, I went with the more subtle strategy of politely asking her to put her seat back to the normal upright position. I gave her death eyes though, just so she knows that if she tries it again, bad things will happen.

Cheap if you stay on the train

Singapore is a very dense city.. massive skyscrapers everywhere. The public transport is fantastic here, and incredibly cheap. The train from the airport cost about $2, and this is about 45 mins from the city. The rest of Singapore is expensive though, especially alchohol. Luckily for me, I’m currently on a non-drinking period in preparation for the onslaught in Thailand.

A beary crap hostel

So for some strange reason, I decide to stay in a hostel called ‘A Beary Good Hostel’. This hostel is just weird. There are big teddy bears everywhere, you’re not allowed to walk around with shoes on, and they haven’t actually finished construction of this hostel yet. It reminds me of my old place in Brisbane, where half the place is dark because there isn’t functional lights where there should be.

Winner winner chicken dinner

So with only one day here, naturally I walk straight to the casino at Marina Bay Sands. The whole complex is quite fascinating. Three linked towers with a ‘skypark’ spanning them on the roof. The skypark has an infinity pool, gardens, a few clubs and an observation deck. Very nice, me says! Although, only the observation deck and one of the bars is open to those not staying in the hotel.

Anyway, in order to deceive myself into thinking I was doing something cultural, I went and played Sic Bo at the casino. I can only assume this is an Asian game. Turns out, it is really simplistic. Three dice get thrown, and you can bet on a whole ton of different outcomes eg. Total, numbers on each dice etc.

I also seized the opportunity to learn Craps. I was quite the novelty and the Craps table.. the Western guy amongst a flock of Asians (or whatever the collective noun is for a group of Asians) and I think they somehow believed I was good luck, so they kept backing my bets and getting excited when it was my turn to be the shooter (i.e. throw the dice).

The local gamblers come here for business, not pleasure. Locals have to pay ($100 I think) for the privilege of gambling at Marina Bay Sands. I assume this is a one off fee. Low limit tables are virtually non-existent, and there didn’t seem to be a bar anywhere.

Bottom line was I walked out of the casino triumphantly with a 10SGD note and a couple free bottles of water. Winner winner chicken dinner!

Oh and I went on the roof:

Summary

Awesome:

Marina Bay Sands complex, gambling with the Asians.

Craptacular:

Alcohol prices, hostel

Lessons learnt: 

Don’t stay in bear themed hostels

Enemies:

Recliner girl

What’s Next

Drinking, debauchery and de beaches in Thailand with one G. Sheedy.